9 July, 2020

This year was a chance to take a break and do some things for myself, find some balance again and have a fresh look at the things I want to do next in life. My plan was to get out talking to people, try new things and not get too anxious about money or getting sucked into roles I no longer have an interest in. ‘Life’ had other plans and while I have mostly managed to continue exploring new things and talk to people it is fair to say progress has been different from my original expectations.

This year I have put my focus on people and productive work rather than roles and jobs. It has been interesting exploring where I see value and how that often does not match with social expectations. It has been a year of learning new technical skills and coming to grips with my own value. In particular the mental struggle with moving from primary income to primary caregiver. Some days it has been an effort to find something productive to do and/or realign the value I assign to things. Other days it has been simple and everything feels fine. The good days seem to correspond to talking to people. I find that interesting.

The impact of a global virus has had a personal effect on the year and certainly impacted the way I meet and talk to people. I found it particularly interesting to watch the response of the country to a perceived threat to ‘jobs’ and full time employment and noted the high value we, as a nation, place on them. I have essentially been low income and regularly unemployed this year. By choice I might add. I never expected financial or emotional support from anyone outside my family and we planned for this year (global viruses aside). I was subsequently not part of the financial support packages or, I feel, the media driven view of Aotearoa and the ‘team of 5 million’ crap that was being bandied around. I know I’m not alone and it comes as no surprise that this has all put pressure on existing social issues and the individualist approach we have cultivated as a nation over the last fifty years or so.

It is great that as a nation we were able to reduce the impact of the virus despite repeated whinging from old white men and people who are so ensconced in their ‘job’ that any threat to that and their individual circumstances requires national action. It has been great to be able to spend time with my daughter and with myself looking at the different ways that life can be lived. I am lucky that I have been able to plan for a year like this one and have time to follow this sort of personal exploration. I know now that I’m not interested in re-engaging with the job focused lifestyle I used over the last 20 years and have no idea what happens next year. I do know that I have had to refocus a lot of my own preconceptions and social values and in some cases change my attitude completely. It’s been personal and challenging and I am yet to decide if this year has been a nightmare or one of the best things to ever happen to me.