7 March, 2018
A time of trying to battle through some things and a time to review how I am working through my life. I am currently struggling with my interest in teaching against my growing enthusiasm for doing my own thing again. I am increasingly liking the idea of working for myself again and after years of teaching kids to be imaginative and creative, recovering some of my own imagination and creativity in areas that I am interested in. The current struggle revolves around money and stability which I know from experience to be illusions at best and a lack of interest in going back to I.T. as it currently stands. It is an interesting and often painful process to look at old contacts and realise how much time has passed, look at old skills and realise they no longer hold the same place in your heart, and the things that people currently seem to place value on and realise it does not match with your own. I don’t remember it being this complicated last time but I guess a few things have changed since then.
The feeling of being separated from society is increasing as well. This may simply mean I need to get out more and meet people who match whatever my new interests are (still figuring that out I guess). Being part of the Board of Trustees at the local primary school has revealed more than I was hoping to see and in particular the high levels of dysfunction a surprisingly large number of families are experiencing around these parts. Juxtiposed with a mainstream focus on jobs, money and what I would described as dictated rules things are feeling a bit grim. It is possible that being a teacher in the midst of all of this is not helping. There is something nihilistic about watching a system like education straining under the weight of issues it was never designed to deal with. I can imagine that people working in health and justice are feeling much the same. I can feel that Fight/Flight response kicking in, which is never a good sign, and it’s starting to say “Run!”. Not sure where it wants me to run to but I guess that response was never big on details.
It is fair to say life continues to be challenging and interesting … at least I’ll keep telling myself that if the alternative is screaming and running away … somewhere.